Saturday, October 31, 2015

I ate half a bag of M&M's and gained 2 pounds back

Turns out I shouldn't weigh myself before food ot water because I am now back at 125.

Any sense of optimism is gone.

I also ate half a bag of pecan pie M&M's and actual hate myself. Regret doing that.

The m&m's were good but not very pecan pie flavoured. They were much bigger than the Canadian version of m&ms.

Ugh I feel gross now. I will be watching halloween movies and probably eat the rest of this bag.

Pizza, my nemesis... we meet again

So yesterday was friday and I was worried about the weekend since I have no premade food anymore and I was going out. I also wore my storm trooper helmet at work which doubled as a interception device for food.

So one of the VP's was leaving the company and a bunch of people made plans to go out for his last day for lunch. They were going to a oven baked pizza place. Now that's bad enough to turn down, but I felt semi ok missing it since I had a meeting around the same time and i brought my lunch/lettuce. Ok so crisis averted.

So then there's an email from our VP saying "hey guys, happy Halloween Friday, we are ordering pizza for the entire department!". I died. So not only that, but when they brought it the entire floor smelled like pizza.

I actually convinced myself one piece wouldn't hurt. I literally told myself my diet sucked and wasn't working so why the fuck am I starving myself for no reason when they brought us free pizza. It was a fucking pizza halloween omen. I then practiced the willpower of Ghandi and ignored it EVEN WHEN THEY PUT THE PIZZA BY MY DESK.

So I go up to my meeting and I'm sitting in the VP's office and chilling and his EA pops in with a, I am not joking, dolly full of boxes of pizza, and goes "yo you guys want pizza?" AUGHH it's following me. The VP laughed since literally 5 min before I was explaining to him my pizza story and how amazing I am for turning it down. And he goes "get it away from Amanda!" Like I am some sort of crazed pizza maniac who will just snap at any moment.

I almost caved at least 5 times. His EA then brought me some Smarties and I promised myself I wouldn't eat chocolate. The whole meeting I stared at the box.

I went back to my desk and stared at the box. I was doing my job and staring at the box. My stomach was angry that day my friends. It was angry and empty and full of vengeance. Eventually I caved and ate the smarties. Then I raided the cauldron full of m&m's.

I had an almost instant sugar high. I hadn't eaten sugar for days and my body was like "what the whatttt". But then I decided I literally can't just give up everything cold turkey or I will fail. So I decided the milk in chocolate is almost non existent and at that point was it realy considered milk? I decided if it had to be refrigerated then I won't eat it.

So then I went for wings at Duffs which was awesome btw. Not that this is a life journal or anything because my life consists of playing Fable and the Witcher on like, actual back to back basis and sitting in my underwear watching Ghostbusters. This is a typical weekend/evening for me so there, Now I don't need a life blog. There you go, you voyeur.

Wings were unbreaded  (I asked) and I couldn't eat the dipping sauce. I could eat the sweet potato fries but when I asked if they were battered or had flour she looked at me like I was fucking shoving crayons up my nose and drooling. When they fry the fries sometimes they add shit to make them more crispy or whatever. It was a legit question. Anyway the answer is no, you asshole, they don't (my friend said that to me).

I watched them drink beer and it was hard but I managed with my water. The quote of the evening was "so how's the water here?". My friends are assholes. This is what happens when your crew drinks like, a ton and you don't.  So now I can't even go out with some of them because I will get a verbal slap abut how the water is here. I have to go into hiding to avoid thia next time. Thank god I'm not an alcoholic.

I came home full and happy (my friends baby was there, and the baby puked fucking everywhere so we took the cue and left as gracefully as one does when covered in curdled baby milk barf. It was the second time I was happy eating all week (first was bacon and sausage) and the first time I was full and satiated - cravings reset back to zero.

I woke up today still full/no cravings or hunger but a little weak.

I had a spoon full of peanut butter and a few squares of dark chocolate  (don't judge me, how dare you). I had a glass of coconut milk and my Chia seed water and it's 4pm and I'm not even hungry. I'm a little worried since it's the first time I'm not hungry.

Oh also I've been weighing myself ever day and somehow from yesterday to today the scale says I lost 2 pounds... I have no idea if those wings gave me worms of what or if my scale is apathetic to my plight but it took a sec for it to adjust and it's now 123.5 and I was 125.8 yesterday. I will retry tonight as I normally weigh myself around 6 or 630. But if that is true then my whole perspective will change on this diet. I also noticed my food gut isn't as disgusting and gross.

***Talking about bloating - please skip if you don't care abut my digestive issues***

Not that I recommend this but in your underwear put your leg up on a chair and pretend to shave your legs. (Ladies... just look next time you shave your legs), and when you're bending over normally our bellys do some weird folding or squishing due to fat and skin and whatever. Mine was significantly less even though I still look a little bloated when I stand sideways.

Is this because I'm not eating bread? Is this because I'm not eating... food? Is this because I'm eating too little and my body has gone into survival mode? Is this because I stilll am eating chocolate?  Is this because I just like to stare at myself abut and pretend there are issues nobody else sees? Is this because i love staring at myself? Is jis because i love asking lots of questions? Is this because I ove to self depricate? Maybe. But probably because I ate like shit for years.

So I'm interested to see the measurements. I will post them on Sunday now that it will have reched an official week on this thing.

Weirdly, right now I have no cravings for a cheeseburger party or pizza or whatever. And my friend brought me a bag of M&M's  with a resealable bag. I laughed when I saw that. Do they actually think people have actually need to reseal the bag? Like they won't just eat them all? Who reseals a bag of chocolate?? What possible reason would somebody have for not eating a small bag. Like I have no clue but it made me feel like a fat person.

Anyway, overall I'm not angry today, somewhat optimistic about the weight loss and I'm thinking the weekend isn't as bad as I thought it will be. The real test will be next week during lunches. What am I going to eat?! I sill have that fucking squash but every time I look at it I'm like "what the fuck do I do with you".


Friday, October 30, 2015

There's free pizza at work - I may physically die

So pizza is my favourite food group and food.

They ordered pizza for the whole team. I've convinced myself twice I can have a piece because it's not a big deal.

The entire floor smells like pizza.

I am eating lettuce and crying inside and possibly outside.

...Send help. I'm thinking I can just grab a bit of pepperoni off a few somehow.

OH MY GOD I CAN'T SURVIVE THIS. I am in a constant state of hunger and this just is pushing me off the edge.

If I make it through this I will have the willpower of a saint.

Editor's Note:


Thursday, October 29, 2015

4th day updating Franken - Paleo diet

I've slipped into somewhat of a food depression which has resulted in me throwing my hands uo and saying "well this is fucked, you'll never be happy again". A similar feeling to when I finished Mass Effect 3 but I digress.

So I ate half a pound of bacon for breakfast hoping my newfound belief that animal fat wards off hunger was correct. And it was, for the most part. Also my newfound impending stroke I'm sure. 

I'm noticing zero changes to my body. I'm as stuffed up as ever and my food gut remains even though I've been off literally all food that is delicious for 4 days. I would have hoped I would have begun to notice anything at all.

I was supposed to go to drinks and food with some people from work to a pub and as I was looking over the menu I realized "wow, pub fare is comprised of everything I love and is delicious". There was literally nothing I could eat that wasn't fried or battered or had some sort of dairy. Even the sweet potato fries were fried and seemed to be lightly battered. It was a pretty low moment when all the foods I love (including beer) are things I can't eat.

On the other hand my uncontrollable rage has subsided. It's now festered into an ongoing annoyed feeling that works alongside my ongoing hunger. I'm no longer starving all the time, but rather low levels of constant peckishness and the cravings are here. All I wanted was chicken wings or garlic cheese bread or some sort of creamy Thai dressing.

I had my boring old lettuce and salad and I kid you not I felt like I had to choke it down. I hate the fact I now put off eating much longer than I should just to delay the inevitable.

I went to the grocery store and finally got canned coconut milk which I'll make a smoothie out of. I'm just realizing as I'm typing this I have no portable container for it. Good lord. I took out some strawberries from the freezer and made some hamburger and put it on some greens. Very boring but whatever at least it's not chicken!

I had another spoon of peanut butter. I have no idea why I never did this before. Eating peanut butter off a spoon is amazing. I forgot how amazing it is. Let me talk abut peanut butter some more I'm sure that's why you're here.

I also have some avacados I picked up that are borderline too ripe, almost overripe soon. I have no idea how to eat an avocado without making guacamole or smearing it haphazard all overy my hands and everywhere on my countertop. I tried to just eat it with a fork but the texture is too gross I can't do it. I'm a big texture person so things that are too rubbery or slippery I normally don't like. You can imagine how I feel about playing dodge ball in the rain!

Since Monday I've fluxuated in weight about a pound or a half a pound. Currently sitting at 125.2 compared to the gigantic 125.8 yesterday.  Hey at least I'm now headed downwards. I was beginning to think that eating nothing was making me fat and eating cake and pizza all day was the secret to keeping me thin. You should try it.

Other than that I'm noticing no physical differences aside from my anger and frustration which will soon manifest itself into some sort of poltergeist that instead of torturing me or driving me out of my condo, she floats above my bed earing fucking a ham sandwich and cackling spewing crumbs all over my duvet. I can't escape and I have to watch her eat a bunch of chips ahoy before she let's me escape the sweet pain I am in.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

3rd day on #Paleo - haven't killed anyone

So I have not killed anyone and even though I'm not satisfied anytime food goes into my mouth, I'm still alive so I have that going for me which is nice.

I'm still going strong on my premade lunches I made on Sunday. I have a feeling once those are done I will have no idea what to eat. Currently eating grilled chicken and lettuce with a little Italian dressing, sweet potato, cucumber, carrots, banana, pear, and that's it at work. Once I have to think about what I'm eating again I'll become overwhelmed and will probably say "well whatever then you don't eat" just to spite myself. I can't even look at the gross amount of dead chicken corpses I have in my freezer. The thought of eating chicken every ajain makes me want to hurl myself out of a Volkswagen on the highway doing a tuck and roll.

I basically hate eating now. It's like a thing I need to do vs a thing I loved to do. It's funny how taking a few things out of your diet really fucks with your head. I'm convinced I only loved eggs milk and grain before this and could survive off essentially cupcakes forever. As anyone would.

Today I bought two breakfast sausages and some strip of bacon around 10am. It was the best idea ever because I was happy eating for the first time since Sunday. It also filled me and the animal fat I'm convinced kept me going with no light headedness or incoherent rage spells.

I came home and for the first time I wasn't even that hungry. My stomach is definitely shrinking, as I used to consume twice the food and most of it carbs and breads. Now I'm eating half because I can't figure out what else I can eat. And I hate cooking. I get home from work and I'm exhausted and the last thing I want to do is turn on an oven and roast fucking, a squash. Like fuck yourself lol.

So I'm going to head to bulk barn this weekend and try a coconut flour brownie recipe my girlfriend sent me. And you know how brownies are my favourite food, and the trifecta of foods I am not allowed to eat, says my gut.

I came home and had no joke, two spoonfuls of peanut butter and a few strip of bacon, as the glutton in me called out loud and proud like a sassy black woman telling me that I need Jesus after this dinner massacre.

Meanwhile I'm noticing no differences in my sinusitis or my disgusting gut circumference. I thought cutting out this shit would yield immediate gut reduction since I was convinced the gut was bloating and other wonderful gut distress signs from eating bread and that.

And just in time for Halloween I have a scary story. The gut was from the breads? No. No, the gut was from...... the fact I eat fucking brownies literally all the time and is just old fashioned fat and tomorrow I'm going to wake up looking like fucking Randy from trailer park boys and people will start making hilarious cheeseburger jokes and poking my gut saying it looks like I ate a mahfucka.

If I'm going through all this and if I find out that there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just fat, I will... flip... my... shit.

I'm hungry now. I wish I could have have a liquor and cheeseburger party.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

I need to eat more sausage (on my #paleo diet)

I was starving all day despite my abhorrent amount of food.

I ate sausages for dinner and I guess the extra animal fat or protein did the trick. I'm no hungry at all and I only had two.

I think maybe I'll stick to more meats. I'm going to make bacon tomorrow because now I'm in a bit of a meat coma.

A good thing I noticed is that I didn't get an afternoon lull/drag/blahs again today. But I am drink much more water wth lemon and Chia seeds (which I am loving btw).

I need to find a better snack for the day and something sweet I can have when I get cravings.

This afternoon I actually thought several times about getting off the bandwagon and try to cut out food groups for a week or two at a time. But I figure I'll just get it over with and do it all.

Fuck it.

Go big or go home, am I right?

First Day Recap - I am unbelievably ANGRY for no reason

So yesterday (Mon Oct 26) was my first full day doing the Paleo/Hypoallergenic/Autoimmune (whatever the hell it is now - some Frankenstein's Monster of carbless, funless, less satisfying food).

Let me tell you - I'm hungry. Hangry even. And weak.

So yesterday I did well all day, I drank a ton of water with Chia seeds and lemon which apparently is supposed to suppress your appetite (LIARS). I brought my lunch (since I made the entire weeks’ worth on Sunday, remember?) so that was fine – I actually didn’t spend money all day which was weird/nice.

Although I knew it would happen, I wasn’t prepared physically for what I like to refer to as the ‘food hole’ – a black hole stomach that apparently is never full since you’re not getting full from carbs/bread/etc. And I had a LOT of chicken, and veggies. But as I found out the portions you’re use to have changed – no longer will one chicken breast and a salad do me an entire meal. I had it for lunch and thought I would succumb to asking for bites of my neighbour’s sandwich or taking nibbles when they weren’t looking.

I drank more water in the afternoon and the only positive so far has been my afternoon crash or ‘lull’ was gone. This could have been a coincidence, or the fact I was drinking more water, or the fact I had no carbs (which if nothing else will dramatically change the way I eat for the next few weeks).

I got home and was semi-ok hunger-wise, but then after an hour I was starving again, like I hasn’t eaten in days. I looked in my fridge and just… fucking chicken as far as the eye could see. I didn’t want chicken; I hated chicken at that moment. Chicken was my nemesis, chicken kicked my dog, and chicken stole my lunch money. I did not even want to look at it. I had half a sweet potato and 3 filets of fish (they were small/average size) and broccoli and cauliflower. 15 min later? STARVING. I made fruit tea thinking that would quench my thirst for a new taste/any taste. NOPE, Chuck Testa. Was not accurate, and my eyes started to wander.

 In the mail I received a small 20g sample pouch of Brookside chocolate covered Acai berries. Even though I can technically have dark chocolate, I was like no way, José. But I yes wayed, José and ate the bag (7 pieces – not much) after a few texts from my friend “DON’T DO IT” and some internal struggle. I don’t really consider it cheating because I was always allowed chocolate, but the minute amount of milk in dark chocolate I ended up deciding was worth it. Is that cheating? I think not. Anyway I convinced myself that I won’t do it again, however, Halloween is here and what the fuck am I going to do, send help.

Anyway, I went to bed hungry like some kid in Oliver Twist and work up really weak. I’m obviously not eating enough calories or fats. So I will try maybe to grab some breakfast sausage and bacon and do that in the mornings so at least I have more protein.

As I type this I’m hungry and mad. For no reason other than I am a fat petulant child and I want more food. I just have no idea what I can eat that will actually FILL me like carbs would. And I also realize that eating the same boring thing every day will actually, physically drive me insane. This is my second day eating chicken and salad and I already HATE my lunch and I haven’t even eaten it. I can’t even have eggs. I’m like a rollercoaster of anger and calm. I’m getting emails I am internally screaming at for no reason other than they’re probably on the other end eating a breakfast sandwich and having beer (in my mind that’s what I would be doing at 11am).

I also weighed myself last night and GAINED ONE POUND. I’m assuming the one pound is either from all the water or all the HATRED I have now. You don’t understand how badly I want to eat a bagel. Like if someone offered me the choice between $100 and a bagel that wouldn’t count against my diet I may just take the bagel. Like 89% sure.

Here are some drawbacks I’m experiencing:
  • Overwhelming hunger
  • Cravings are there, but not terrible (yet)
  •  Gnawing feeling in my gut like maybe I don’t feel good but I can’t tell
  •  Waves of anger because I can't eat. Like actual anger.
  •  Weakness/ slight light headedness

Maybe I need some protein powder or something. Or a bagel. I almost want to just binge and start again tomorrow. So badly.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Today is the day

I was so exhausted and tied from cooking. I ended up going to bed at almost midnight with a bowl of Icelandic (Greek texture) yogurt and honey. Now it has not quite sink in yet I can't have that. Maybe it will tomorrow.

This morning I have a what I will refer to now as "food gut", which is an accumulation of bloating and other amazing things that happen when you eat things you're not supposed to.

I was supposed to mae a smoothie this morning but I'm way too tired and rushed. I need to be in the office for 830am so maybe I'll try tomorrow.

Anyone have any coconut milk or paleo smoothie recipes?

Sunday, October 25, 2015


I highly recommend a mandolin (slicer). I sliced a ton of cucumber in probably less than 4 minutes. It's my favourite kitchen tool.

I also got a bunch of recommended supplements including vitamin d, probiotic, and iron. I just have to look up what times are best for them all because apparently some are better in the AM without food etc. So to try to minimize the upset tummy, I will need to look more it this before I take them. But look at the pill case! I'm basically a grandma.
I'm excited the sweet potato is actually cooked after an hour and a half
Seriously. Mandolin. Get one Immediately. 
Potato for days. ... Actual days, like a weeks worth.
Buffalo chicken and lettuce for the rest of my life. Also featuring a bunch of things you didn't need to see.
I'll be yelling 'Get off my lawn' in no time.

I'm exhausted from prepping

Ok I went all over today to grab food. Three different places.

I also bought a legit scale so I can weigh myself and figure out if the fat I own is from the grains, eggs, and milk playing with my digestive tract, or if is in fact from chips, beer, and candy. The fact I'm asking myself this question reaffirms I am in fact not an adult by any stretch of the imagination and just a large child who is legally allowed to go to the bulk barn with a credit card by herself and drink beer.

(I will start to weigh myself each day and measure my fattest parts and let you know what they are because I must be a masochist or whatever. Don't judge me.)

I got home at abut 5. I've been sous-cheffing, cutting, washing and organizing food for almost 4 hours for the week. What the actual fuck are people thinking when they live like this?!?!

I figure I needed at least lunches out of the way so I'd make 5 chicken breasts and a bunch of sausages incase I wanted yo change things up but I basically made a huge mistake. Now I am tired and he all this shit on the stove.

Ok fast forward to almost 9pm:

-I have cooked and cut up 5 chicken breasts and placed them into Tupperware.
-I have 5 sausages on the frying pan.
-I have 5 sweet potatoes in the over which I stupidly put them all in at the same time thinking that was fine. It isn't and the potatos (potatoes? Why is my auto correct telling me both are right?) are still all as hard as (insert perverted hilarious reference of your choice).

I still have to cut up and wash all bunch of fucking lettuce unless I want to eat just chicken which at this point I'm just too tired to care about cooking.

So if i don't fuck it up I should have chicken and salad with sweet potato. I will probably still have to cut up a bunch of cucumber too since I bought like a god damned field of cucumber. Like my main source of currency s now cucumber and I'm putting the down payment on a house. That's how much fucking cucumber I have.

Do I need anything else? I have no idea. I will need to starve it out tomorrow if there's an issue.

Ok I have to but out my fancy mandolin to slice up veggies. Already I hate this. It's way too much work for my lifestyle which is mediocre in terms of difficulty level. Like if my life was a video game it would be on story mode, with random instances of nightmare sprinkled in (nightmare meaning I couldn't carry all my groceries up to my apartment in one trip so now I have to take too. Let me jump out this window).

Editors note:
I should have put the sausage in the over what the hell was I thinking this is absolute ridiculousness.

As you can tell I am a natural chef and everyone should invite me places to cook for them. Hope you like cucumber.

Today's starting weight: 125lbs (which can I note is a lifetime high)

Thighs: 21.5"
Gut: 34" (good fucking lord)
Waist: 27.5"

Today I prepare

I've been collection recipes and meal suggestions for the past few days and today I'm going to go through them all and choose my meal plan (or mae a valiant effort to do so).

I've noticed while researching, that the diet Paleo is very similar to the elimination diet I'm doing. Granted my individual sensitivities vary (I specifically cannot consume potato for example, while normal Paleo I believe can), but I'm finding it's easier to find information while searching Paleo diets. A main difference is in the Paleo diet they can eat eggs, whilst I absolutely cannot, since my individual egg "score" was the highest one.

I'm a tad nervous to just cut everything cold turkey - I get headaches often and I can't imagine them getting worse while I cut out chocolate and caffeine and bread etc. I also as I mentioned before get inexplicable cravings that do not disappear. It seems it takes that exactly taste or good to satiate cravings so I'm worried if i have urges for chocolate it will just build up until I turn into some sort of Chocolate Hulk.

I'm also worried in a pinch if I forget lunch or don't plan well on a specific day then there will be no options for me to grab. The cafeteria at work is new and isn't the best at labeling ingredients or dietary information,  such as dairy or wheat. Worst case scenario there's as No Frills by the office and I can run it and grab something if I need.

I also eat a lot so snacks are a tad worrisome too. There's only so many carrot sticks a sane woman can consume without eventually throwing them out the balcony door screaming incoherently.

Stay tuned for my progress on my first day tomorrow. I also have to be in the office to present at 8:45am (god help me) so that will set things on an interesting path I'm sure.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Why am I doing this? I'll tell you why

Welp. Here we are. 

The day has come when my carefree eating lifestyle has to go. That's a nice way of putting it. My diet is essentially a huge flipped bird to my body and my health - but as I always told myself: "Until I look like I need to lose weight I don't have to care what I'm eating." I truly believed that, and lives in blissful, blissful indulgence daily.

Context and background:

February 2014 I had a huge head cold – one of the worst I’ve ever had. Anyway, when that cleared up I noticed my sinuses remained stuffy/congested. It’s constant – I can only breath through one side of my nose at any given time, and in that side only about 50% of what it should be. It’s constantly inflamed and I can’t take full breaths in or out. It shifts side to side and is worse when I sit or lay down. Sometimes it’s so bad I wake myself up because I can’t breathe, or at work I need to stand up and force myself to take in more air. It’s pretty ridiculous and it’s essentially ruining the enjoyment of my own life.

To be brief, over the next year and a half it hasn’t cleared up. I’ve been to half a dozen doctors, ENTs, allergists, Naturopaths, family doctor, work doctor, walk in clinics… I’ve had CT scans, cameras up my nose, tubes inserted in my nose,, I’ve had cotton balls full of steroids inserted directly into my nasal cavity (where I found out I had a slight deviated septum in one side – annoyingly unrelated), I’ve been on prescription antibiotics, prescription sprays, steroids, pills, a gambit of allergy and sinus rinses, washes, irrigation and tablets. Basically there is zero change, and zero relief.

Interestingly I sneeze semi-often (which I consider a normal amount?), but I have no other allergy signs. No itchy or watery eyes or skin. My eyelids are almost consistently ‘swollen’ or puffy (not enough for others to tell but enough for me to notice and then ironically consider now ‘normal’.

The doctors have pushed me back and forth to each other, each one telling me “well, there is nothing wrong with you in the (insert their field of expertise) sense, have you tried: xx?” (yes I have bro).

One thing I thought it may be was an ongoing medication which I got September 2013 (4 months before this started). This timeline lines up with the timing other minor side effects seemed to appear, but I was assured by a doctor at St. Michael’s that this would have nothing to do with it at all.

Then it came to a head:

After months of incessant nagging from my mother to cut out random foods and dairy, I finally broke down and scheduled a Naturopathic Doctor visit (I hold Voodoo in similar regard), and took a blood test which tested for food sensitivities. I got the results back and similar to almost everyone else who I’ve talked to that has taken this blood test, it showed I was sensitive to an obscene number of things. 66 out of 222 in fact, which apparently is shockingly high (average is 40-something). Out of those I was flagged on, my sensitivity level (measured in lgG antibody levels in units per millilitre) ranged pretty high in most things.

I went in for an appointment with the ND and she explained food sensitivities could account for my issues, and everyone is affected by them differently. Some people have digestive issues, ome have headaches or migraines, and some have body or joint aches, so she said it could be possible that my congestion and apparent sinusitis could be caused by a perfect storm of shitty foods I’ve been eating. She also said that my body is probably maxed out and hasn’t had the ability to ‘reset’ so it’s like constantly stressing my system and if I took a break from these foods we can figure out if any are causing issue and in the interim as a happy bonus, my body can ‘reset’ and hopefully lower the high levels of these foods. So it’s possible I can still have them in the future or in smaller amounts when we figure out if a specific food is causing it.

Here were the highest things on my list in order of terribleness (keep in mind, I had many, many more very high things but these were the top, extremely high ones):

1. Eggs (specifically egg whites, although yolks registered medium)
2. Milk (not lactose – this sadly includes coconut, cashew, soya, and almond milk)
3. Potato (I’m Irish so I’m basically offended at this one)
4. Rice (no more sushi rolls)
5. Breads (all grains/wheat/oats but NOT gluten for some joke reason)
6. Beer (my life ended at this one)
7. Nuts (no more Reeses or almonds for me)
8. Beans and legumes (bye Chilli)
9. Oranges (really?)
10. Sole and Rabbit (random)

So you may be saying wtf, what can you eat? I also said that. I also said I would basically be losing 40 pounds against my will.

My Current (shitty) Diet and Lifestyle:

Now you should know that my current diet and lifestyle is not exactly dietician approved, and would basically scare people. I constantly refer to my eating habits as the "IT Diet" (Sorry, no offence IT kids). I work a job (which I love) in an office where I am sitting down all day. I stare are screens literally the entire day. I take the TTC (transit, get with it) to work now and not including the added bonus of gaining 10 pounds, I’ve remained relatively stationary in terms of exercise.

And by relatively stationary I mean I do not ever exercise (see above reference: “I do not look like I need to exercise ergo I will not exercise”). The quick jaunts I take to the office from the subway are it for me – I don’t go to the gym for the main reason that I can’t breathe out of my nose or well at all. That is what I tell people. Really I have 0 energy, and I realize this is all a catch 22, chicken or egg experience FROM not working out/eating well – this is not lost on me.

Also my lifestyle is stationary like I mentioned. I sit at work, then I sit on the subway, then I sit at my house and play video games because I’m that person who does that and not the person who goes on hikes or any of that bullshit. I am not interested in that kind of active lifestyle, as mine is fine and lines up with my hobbies and personal interests (I’m not looking for advice on getting moving or exercise advice, in case you didn’t get that).

So on to the main issue: what I eat. Those who know me can attest that I consume a lot of food. For whatever reason the amount of food it takes for me to feel full is extremely high, so after one meal I’m normally hungry a short time later or I’m still hungry. Again, I realize this maybe has to do with what I’m eating.

I don’t go out of my way to eat healthy, but I don’t necessarily consistently eat like garbage (sometimes only). The kicker is I have a ridiculous sweet tooth and insatiable craving meter. Salty, sweet, sour, crunchy, etc. And like I am with life, I can borderline on un-controlled. So If I open a bag of chips I have no part of my brain that says “oh a few chips? Great, let me put away the bag for no reason and have thee at a later date”. I will sit and eat the whole thing because I’m an adult and sometimes if I want to eat the tray of brownies until I’m full then I’ll do that because I live alone and nobody is there that I know of to loudly judge me.

The Goal:

So On Monday Oct 26th 2015 I’ve vowed to cut the top few foods out of my diet for 3 weeks, so my body can detox and I can reintroduce food groups slowly in the next weeks after that.

The foods I will be completely cutting out will be:

1.       Eggs
2.       Milk (cow, almond, soya) 
3.       Potato
4.       Rice
5.       All bread (wheat, oat, etc)
6.       Beer
7.       Nuts
8.       Oranges

Here are some foods I will be cutting back on:

1.       Legumes and lentils
2.       Sugar
3.       Mustard
4.       Coconut milk
5.       Corn
6.       Mushrooms

I will be keeping a food diary here, so you can see my progress and any sort of effects happening to my body, my mind, or my sanity if you’re into that kind of thing.

So the plan for this weekend is to finish off all the foods I already have, and do a shop on Sunday to start making lunches for the next few weeks.