Saturday, October 31, 2015

I ate half a bag of M&M's and gained 2 pounds back

Turns out I shouldn't weigh myself before food ot water because I am now back at 125.

Any sense of optimism is gone.

I also ate half a bag of pecan pie M&M's and actual hate myself. Regret doing that.

The m&m's were good but not very pecan pie flavoured. They were much bigger than the Canadian version of m&ms.

Ugh I feel gross now. I will be watching halloween movies and probably eat the rest of this bag.

Pizza, my nemesis... we meet again

So yesterday was friday and I was worried about the weekend since I have no premade food anymore and I was going out. I also wore my storm trooper helmet at work which doubled as a interception device for food.

So one of the VP's was leaving the company and a bunch of people made plans to go out for his last day for lunch. They were going to a oven baked pizza place. Now that's bad enough to turn down, but I felt semi ok missing it since I had a meeting around the same time and i brought my lunch/lettuce. Ok so crisis averted.

So then there's an email from our VP saying "hey guys, happy Halloween Friday, we are ordering pizza for the entire department!". I died. So not only that, but when they brought it the entire floor smelled like pizza.

I actually convinced myself one piece wouldn't hurt. I literally told myself my diet sucked and wasn't working so why the fuck am I starving myself for no reason when they brought us free pizza. It was a fucking pizza halloween omen. I then practiced the willpower of Ghandi and ignored it EVEN WHEN THEY PUT THE PIZZA BY MY DESK.

So I go up to my meeting and I'm sitting in the VP's office and chilling and his EA pops in with a, I am not joking, dolly full of boxes of pizza, and goes "yo you guys want pizza?" AUGHH it's following me. The VP laughed since literally 5 min before I was explaining to him my pizza story and how amazing I am for turning it down. And he goes "get it away from Amanda!" Like I am some sort of crazed pizza maniac who will just snap at any moment.

I almost caved at least 5 times. His EA then brought me some Smarties and I promised myself I wouldn't eat chocolate. The whole meeting I stared at the box.

I went back to my desk and stared at the box. I was doing my job and staring at the box. My stomach was angry that day my friends. It was angry and empty and full of vengeance. Eventually I caved and ate the smarties. Then I raided the cauldron full of m&m's.

I had an almost instant sugar high. I hadn't eaten sugar for days and my body was like "what the whatttt". But then I decided I literally can't just give up everything cold turkey or I will fail. So I decided the milk in chocolate is almost non existent and at that point was it realy considered milk? I decided if it had to be refrigerated then I won't eat it.

So then I went for wings at Duffs which was awesome btw. Not that this is a life journal or anything because my life consists of playing Fable and the Witcher on like, actual back to back basis and sitting in my underwear watching Ghostbusters. This is a typical weekend/evening for me so there, Now I don't need a life blog. There you go, you voyeur.

Wings were unbreaded  (I asked) and I couldn't eat the dipping sauce. I could eat the sweet potato fries but when I asked if they were battered or had flour she looked at me like I was fucking shoving crayons up my nose and drooling. When they fry the fries sometimes they add shit to make them more crispy or whatever. It was a legit question. Anyway the answer is no, you asshole, they don't (my friend said that to me).

I watched them drink beer and it was hard but I managed with my water. The quote of the evening was "so how's the water here?". My friends are assholes. This is what happens when your crew drinks like, a ton and you don't.  So now I can't even go out with some of them because I will get a verbal slap abut how the water is here. I have to go into hiding to avoid thia next time. Thank god I'm not an alcoholic.

I came home full and happy (my friends baby was there, and the baby puked fucking everywhere so we took the cue and left as gracefully as one does when covered in curdled baby milk barf. It was the second time I was happy eating all week (first was bacon and sausage) and the first time I was full and satiated - cravings reset back to zero.

I woke up today still full/no cravings or hunger but a little weak.

I had a spoon full of peanut butter and a few squares of dark chocolate  (don't judge me, how dare you). I had a glass of coconut milk and my Chia seed water and it's 4pm and I'm not even hungry. I'm a little worried since it's the first time I'm not hungry.

Oh also I've been weighing myself ever day and somehow from yesterday to today the scale says I lost 2 pounds... I have no idea if those wings gave me worms of what or if my scale is apathetic to my plight but it took a sec for it to adjust and it's now 123.5 and I was 125.8 yesterday. I will retry tonight as I normally weigh myself around 6 or 630. But if that is true then my whole perspective will change on this diet. I also noticed my food gut isn't as disgusting and gross.

***Talking about bloating - please skip if you don't care abut my digestive issues***

Not that I recommend this but in your underwear put your leg up on a chair and pretend to shave your legs. (Ladies... just look next time you shave your legs), and when you're bending over normally our bellys do some weird folding or squishing due to fat and skin and whatever. Mine was significantly less even though I still look a little bloated when I stand sideways.

Is this because I'm not eating bread? Is this because I'm not eating... food? Is this because I'm eating too little and my body has gone into survival mode? Is this because I stilll am eating chocolate?  Is this because I just like to stare at myself abut and pretend there are issues nobody else sees? Is this because i love staring at myself? Is jis because i love asking lots of questions? Is this because I ove to self depricate? Maybe. But probably because I ate like shit for years.

So I'm interested to see the measurements. I will post them on Sunday now that it will have reched an official week on this thing.

Weirdly, right now I have no cravings for a cheeseburger party or pizza or whatever. And my friend brought me a bag of M&M's  with a resealable bag. I laughed when I saw that. Do they actually think people have actually need to reseal the bag? Like they won't just eat them all? Who reseals a bag of chocolate?? What possible reason would somebody have for not eating a small bag. Like I have no clue but it made me feel like a fat person.

Anyway, overall I'm not angry today, somewhat optimistic about the weight loss and I'm thinking the weekend isn't as bad as I thought it will be. The real test will be next week during lunches. What am I going to eat?! I sill have that fucking squash but every time I look at it I'm like "what the fuck do I do with you".